God Loves Broken Things

I started this blog in the hopes that I would be able to share things with you that I learn through my healing process, but I have learned that sometimes the words don't come. I have tried to write this post multiple times, but somehow I'm never able to convey what I want to. So, tonight I'm trying again.

God LOVES broken things.

Just think about that for a minute. That is one powerful statement. Everyone is broken. Period. That's it. You're broken, and I'm incredibly broken. In fact, I have never felt more broken, but God still loves me. How incredible is that? The most powerful person of all time LOVES ME! He loves me so much that he gave His Son, to die for me.

When I first started down this path of brokenness, I had no idea where it would lead. All I knew was that I felt broken and I couldn't stop the spiral that happened after that. And everyone kept telling me, "Jesus Christ is the ONLY one who can heal you." Honestly, I had little to no hope that this was true. I wish I would have understood, that Jesus really is the only one who can heal me. Without Him I would have no hope, no salvation, nothing. It's because of Him that I have hope, I have love, and I have forgiveness.

I struggle with PERFECTIONISM. It's a blessing and a curse. I do a lot of things really well, that's the blessing. But on the other hand, there are a lot of things I don't even want to try because I know that I won't do them perfectly. But, it also effects how I live my life. Nobody's perfect, and no matter how many times you tell me that, I will always still believe that I need to be the exception to that absolute.

And let me tell you something, it is absolutely exhausting! I judge myself WAY WAY WAY to harshly, and I can tell myself that, but what I'm thinking is entirely different. 

But, something that I have learned and I have to continually remind myself of, is that God loves me just that way I am. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and that is okay. 

Tonight was my Stake Conference, and at the adult evening session we discussed a lot about the Atonement and mainly the Sacrament. The Atonement was made because we are all imperfect. And "enduring to the end" doesn't mean now until the end of my life, it means now until next Sunday. Take everything a week at a time. Take the Sacrament and do your best to be better and to change during the week and ENDURE until the next Sunday, when you can again take the Sacrament and report back to your Heavenly Father and your Savior that you did the best you could, and you'll try again this week. 

No matter how many times I tell myself these things, I always still have doubts and those doubts and thoughts are my constant struggle right now. Sometimes it helps to write things down, so that I can come back and review. 

One thing I know and will proclaim to anybody who wants to listen is: GOD LOVES BROKEN THINGS. And, we were all sent here to make mistakes and grow. 

So, this week I will just do the best I can and I hope you'll join me.

EVERYTHING THAT'S BROKE, LEAVE IT TO THE BREEZE

I have a lot on my mind tonight, so I thought I would write. Over the past few months I have learned A WHOLE LOT about myself...

...

Let's just be honest with each other: I AM CRAZY AND SLIGHTLY INSANE...I have a lot of problems...

...but so does everyone else. We are all apart of this thing called MORTALITY, and since we are here it's an inevitable fact that we will ALL have problems. For some reason God thought it necessary to show me my problems in a very dramatic way, forcing me to come face-to-face with myself.

One of the greatest things that my counselor has taught me is: I AM NOT MY ANXIETY, I AM NOT MY DEPRESSION! This mortal state that I am, all the physical, emotional, and mental problems that come with that, don't make me.WHAT MAKES ME is my soul: my ability to control physical and mortal desires, passions, and weaknesses. I have been blessed beyond belief and I just feel the need to share with others what I have learned.

One of my favorite songs right now is Let it Go by James Bay, go give it a listen.

So, let's dissect this song for a minute to understand why it's one of my favorites right now.

But now we're slipping at the edge, holding something we don't need

I mean, isn't that basically the definition of anxiety and depression? I'm constantly holding onto thoughts, ideas, and even physical possessions that weigh me down and pushing me over the edge. 

All this delusion in our heads, is gonna bring  us to our knees

I can not tell you how many times these "delusions" or thoughts in my head have brought me to my knees, pleading with God to help me understand or just to help me not feel like giving up...although, I'm not sure this is really what James meant when he wrote these lyrics.

I used to recognize myself, it's funny how reflections change

I honestly cannot tell you how many times I have stood in front of the mirror these past few months and not recognized who I was. So many times I have seen a broken, depressed person who simply wants to give up. THAT IS NOT ME.

When we're becoming something else, I think it's time to walk away

Another great thing I have learned through this, is that my thoughts effect my mood and behavior. The root of most people's problems are their thinking patterns. Honestly, Julia, it's time to give up this negative self talk because it's making you into something you're not.

So come on let it go, just let it be. Why don't you be you, and I'll be me.

I love this line in the song. There is nothing greater than truly being yourself. I am far from being me, the real ME. But I'm learning and along this road there are things I am going to have to let go and let be.

I like to tell myself that I have gotten through the hard part. But, my life is just starting. There are so many things I have yet to experience, so many things that I want to do. I have a long journey ahead of me. A journey of healing, learning, which I guess we could just call that THIS JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE. I hope that you'll join me on this journey.